Mental Health Awareness Week

So it’s that time of the year again where Mental Health Awareness Week stuff starts popping up on facebook, twitter and the news.

It’s great. It’s worthwhile. And it gets us talking about mental health. It’s finally being spoken about much more openly. People share their struggles but most importantly their successes.

I wrote about my own mental health just over 12 months ago here in the saga of my mental health.

Having read it again it’s still relevant now. The only problem being that despite what I said, I didn’t follow it through. The timings of the initial calls and then the meetings just didn’t fit in as I was working 25 miles away at the time. So I made a million excuses and didn’t help myself.

Then from September last year to March this year was horrid. We were in the midst of buying our first house, Mr D got promoted, J’s behaviour was horrendous and I was having some work issues. I was miserable, I was low but I was also anxious.

The tipping point for me was having an anxiety attack at work whilst trying to deal with arsehole landlords. For anyone who has them regularly, I feel for you. I felt completely out of control. I was sweating. I couldnt concentrate. My heart was beating out of my chest. It eventually calmed down but that set something off then and I couldn’t sleep that night as it was still fluttering. Whilst I haven’t had another one since, I’ve felt them building up and it’s been shit.

So enough was enough. And in February I went back to the doctors and self referred for CBT.

You can read more about what else was going on and that process in this blog here.

2 months down the line and I’m doing much better. My anxiety scores are now inline with everyday anxiety. I’ve learnt that I worry about everything, even when there’s nothing I can do about it. When I first started CBT I wrote a list of everything that was stressing me out (as per the February blog above). I then wrote next to each problem whether there was anything eithin my control that I could do to change the problem. Where there was nothing I just accepted it. Where there was, I thought of a solution and acted on it. And even something as simple as that worked for me.

We’ve been doing a lot of work on hypothetical worry which is exactly as it sounds. When i start to worry about sonething I reign myself in and ask if this is a worry rhat I can control or whether I’m second guessing what someone else will say, think or do. Ive realised I spent too much time worrying about the “what ifs” rather than the actual problem. And when I take the what ifs away, the problem isn’t actually thar big of a problem after all.

I know full well I will have my blips, but when I do I’ll either revisit the resources I’ve been given or pick up the phone and ask for more help. I don’t have to fight everything on my own, I don’t have to internalise everything and I owe it to myself to be the best I can be.

I also know that my own issues are relatively mild compared to how badly it affects others. Everybody is different and no-one is better or worse than anyone else where mental health is concerned. They say ot takes a village and I firmly believe that if we all started supporting each other a lot better than we do, we’d all be better off.

So, if you have mental health issues and are getting help I applaud you. You keep on going.

If you have mental health issues but are worried about being judged or getting the right treatment, take that leap because I promise you it’ll be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.

If you want to know how big and broad mental health is then take a look at Mind’s A-Z of mental health here because 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer from a mental health problem each year. When you consider the UK has a population currently of 65 million people that’s a whopping 16.25 million people every year who struggle with their own mind.

So if you are struggling and don’t know where to start check out these websitea or go and speak to your GP:

The Mental Health Foundation

Mind

Rethink

Samaritans

#mentalhealth

#itsoktonotbeok

The day we called in SEN

I’m the first to admit that I am completely naive about Special Needs Education. You say SEN to me and I automatically think autism. So when I first broached the issues and concerns I had about J’s behaviour to his nursery key worker who is also the SENCO and she agreed I burst into tears.

Our boy may struggle when he’s out of routine, hate being dirty and certain textures but his reading is off the charts for his age and he can be so loving. So the idea that he may have additional needs didn’t properly occur to me. I was expecting the SENCO to say “oh no it’s fine don’t worry”. So when she didn’t it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

My mind, as always, went to the worst case scenario of stressing about the what ifs.

What if he does have additional needs?

What if that affects his future?

What if we struggle to get the support he needs?

But the SENCO did a great job of chilling me the eff out!

First she said she’d arrange an unofficially assessment by the Head of SEN for the county. It would take a while due to her diary commitments but she’d be able to tell us if she had any concerns and whether a more formal assessment.

After I picked myself up off the floor and wiped away the tears I realised there were only 2 possible outcomes:

1. His behaviour wasn’t typical and he’d need some support in school.

2. His behaviour was normal and he’d be fine.

Turned out it was actually

3. His behaviour isn’t unusual but there are things that the school, nursery and we can do to help with his transition.

The meeting itself wasn’t for 3 months so I naturally did my own head in waiting for it.

But I needn’t have worried as the Head of SEN was amazing. We spoke to her for just under an hour. She could see that J is very particular about stuff. In her observation he lost his mind because she tried to put a none Lego branded brick on his structure! But given free play time he was found in the story corner.

His first port of call when he has a problem is an adult but he interacts well with his peers as well as being happy to play by himself.

SEN lady suggested that we hold a meeting between us, nursery and the school prior to him starting school to make sure his transition went well. We discussed him having a photo of both his teacher and his room so he could be familiar with it in the run up to starting and him having some kind of timetable so we could tell him what he’d be doing that day.

She gave us some tips for at home too. Mainly lots of praise when he does good stuff and making him realise that adults make mistakes too.

We’ve also been reassuring him that we still love him even when he is misbehaving and the fact that he apologises when he’s been a bit naughty is a great thing.

So all in all I’m really glad that we sorted the unofficial assessment but in all honesty it wouldn’t have mattered what she said as we would have done the right thing for J.

Then I felt guilty for feeling relieved that there wasn’t any additional needed because I know parents have to fight tooth and nail for their kids to get he support they need.

So yes I’m grateful and also conscious that he’s still our little weirdo who seems to think it’s OK to put stickers on the bloody wall!

My 7 days without Facebook

So I decided to take a Facebook break. It was the first thing I looked at in the morning and the last thing I looked at before bed. I dread to think how many hours I’ve spent just scrolling and scrolling, liking pics, liking posts, but never properly interacting with people.

I also know full well that what I see on my timeline is not really a true reflection of reality but it didn’t stop me comparing my life to others.

“Oh look, they’ve got a new car” – I can’t afford a new car and I can’t always get in my car because the central locking is temperamental.

“Oh look, they’ve had a great family holiday” – J had a mental breakdown on the plane on the way home. Enough said.

“Oh look, they’ve been out with their friends” – I’m such a loser.

“Oh look, they’ve had a great weekend with their kid” – I struggled to entertain him and seem to have just lost my shit all weekend.

So I decided to just remove the app from my home screen on my phone…it took a day for me to get annoyed with the extra button presses to get to it and less than a week for the button to go back.

Turns out I have no self control!

So I figured out how to deactivate my account, told everyone I was deactivating, frantically added people on whatsapp even though messenger doesn’t deactivate with your account, shared my frustration at not receiving an email about our primary school place, posted that we’d been successful in getting our first choice and shut it down. Simple!

Day 1

It’s weird how much I found myself just gravitating towards the empty space on my home screen, so I rejigged it.

It was also weird going to the cinema and not tagging myself as being there.

Then I realised that my memories for next year will be empty. I love looking at those!

But then got chatting to people on whatsapp and it hit me. This is what I haven’t been doing. I haven’t been actually saying Hi and asking how people were because I was too busy scrolling through Facebook and liking posts or pictures.

I had a really good chat with one of my mummy friends and started writing this blog.

I found this an interesting read too

Dr Tim Bono explains the 6 ways social media makes us unhappy

So true!

And that was day 1 done!

Day 2

J climbed into our bed before the alarm went off so found myself flicking through the daily mail and Instagram.

Jumped on the scales and realised I’d lost 5lbs in 2 weeks so naturally I wanted to share that somewhere. Googled a picture of a scale and posted it on Instagram instead.

Went out for lunch and couldn’t tag myself.

Got home and put some fabric covered cork boards up and couldn’t share it.

It’s 7:34pm and I honestly don’t know what to do with myself!

So I had a disagreement with Mr D and painted some polystyrene balls…obvs!

Day 3

Got a letter from J’s school that he’s starting in September and again realised there was nowhere to share it.

I find myself scrolling through Instagram instead of Facebook which kind of defeats the whole thing doesn’t it?

I’ve realised today that I just like sharing my life with people. However mundane it is, I enjoy sharing the funny pictures and weird and wonderful stuff that happens!

Went into the garden after work and nursery and again took some lovely photos and had to share them on Instagram.

Starting to feel a bit lonely. I miss the people in my phone!

I caved slightly and logged in to delete some friends and remove myself from some groups but I’m in hundreds and felt disappointed that I couldn’t even go 4 full days without it so logged back out again!

Day 4

Bizarrely today was easier than yesterday. Probably because I’ve decided I’m only going to do this for 7 days.

I like talking to people.

Facebook isn’t really the problem. My phone as a whole is. It goes everywhere with me. I’m typing this as I sit on the loo!

Day 5

Now that I’ve decided only to do it for a week I’m ok with the whole thing as I know it’s temporary.

I thought I’d be happier but I actually feel quite lonely.

After a hectic day at work we went into the garden after I’d picked J up from nursery. I purposefully didn’t take my phone. So whilst I may have missed pics of J taking a run up to the tiny slide and almost falling off the end I didn’t have to constantly faff about breaking it!

Day 6

J woke up at 6am. Despite being shattered from 3 full on days at nursery he woke up at 6 bloody am.

We had a playdate at 10:30am so I decided to clean some windows. “Some” windows ended up being the massive living room windows and the huge conservatory windows. I was shattered but I hadn’t spent 2 hours sat on my arse staring at my phone!

Totally ignored my phone for 3 hours whilst we had 2 of J’s nursery friend and their siblings. After they’d left and we tidied up we spent the rest of the afternoon in the garden and apart from taking some boomerang videos (It’s an app for Instagram and is the best thing ever) again I ignored my phone. I even managed to close my eyes and almost nod off for 10 minutes!

We watched Transformers The Last Knight (waaaaaaaay too long) and tried out this bedtime brew before going to bed.

Day 7

It was my turn for a lie in today but in typical fashion J slept until 8am and I couldn’t get back to sleep so I watched Shadowhunters in bed. So whilst I used my phone I wasn’t endlessly scrolling.

We had a productive day too which was nice. After having several patches of various blue paint dotted around the place we finally settled on a colour to paint the chimney breast and conservatory.

But again I missed sharing this mundane nonsense on Facebook!

Conclusion

Facebook isn’t the problem. My phone is.

I did 7 days without it and that was enough.

I miss the people in my phone. The not so strangers in groups who allow me to vent without judgement, the friends who say nice things about my many pictures of J and our house that I’m so proud of. I also miss being able to share the funny and not so funny stuff on my timeline to look back on next year.

I just miss Facebook and I have no shame in admitting that!

When I told Mr D that I was taking a Facebook break he said “just have more self control woman”. And he’s right!

So there you go. I tried a Facebook break and it wasn’t for me.

P.s. That 5lbs I lost has gone straight back on again! Something else I need to have more self control with it would seem…

Bad day

Today has been a baaaaaad day.

First of all I got up stupidly late because I hadn’t put my alarm back on after being able to have a bit of a lie in yesterday. I had just looked in the mirror and said “fuck it, that’ll do” when I remembered I was seeing clients so no, it wouldn’t do. I then had to scrape my hair into a high ponytail and cake it in gel spray so that it wouldn’t move. It didn’t.

Work was mental. Just mental.

My CBT appointment was cancelled because my wellbeing practitioner was poorly. I totally get that these things happen but I really could have done with talking to her today.

J was absolutely full of it. He was bouncing off the walls when he got home. And whilst we were mucking about he said “you don’t live here anymore”. I know he’s only 4 and he laughed his arse off because he thought he was bloody hilarious, but it brought all the shit I had with my mum flooding back as that’s what she text me when she decided to throw me out. That’s right, I was thrown out in a very modern way at the age of 22!

Then I looked at my memories on Facebook and realised it was 3 days ago today that our cat, Bob died. We’d got home from work and everything was fine with him and his brother Vic. Next thing Bob ran up the stairs, crashed into the window at the top of the landing and was half on the landing half on the stairs panting. Within a few minutes he was gone. It later transpired he had undiagnosed HCM and the vet had never seen it so bad in a cat before. So whilst it was of little comfort, it at least confirmed there was nothing we could have done to prevent it.

But it’s 8:15pm now and I’m putting today in my mental fuck it bucket.

I’ve made chilli nachos for tea and they were awesome!

And now I’m going to raid the treat cupboard and watch episode 2 of season 3 of Shadowhunters on Netflix.

It’s my guilty pleasure. Mainly because the books are amazing but most definitely aimed at teenagers. The film was shite but the series is fab!

So yes, if you’re having a shitty day make sure you do something for you so it ends well!

PS. Shadowhunters episode isn’t available until tomorrow so I watched the second half of Big Fish. Every time I cry like a baby. Every. Time.

Play dates: Not just for kids

I’ve been struggling with anxiety for a few months now but I’ve been getting some CBT through our local wellbeing service. It’s part of the reason I haven’t been blogging even though I know it helps and feedback has been so positive!

We very quickly determined that my biggest problem was around unhelpful thinking. I’d recommend everyone looks into it as it was a massive eye opener for me.

Here’s a link to the different unhelpful thinking categories:

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/unhelpful.htm

My biggest issues being:

1. mental filter (only seeing the negative)
2. Shoulds and musts (I should / must do / feel)

I also realised that I was feeling lonely because I was catastrophising. I knew I had the opportunity to organise some play dates for J but I avoided it because I didn’t think the parents would like me, I’d say something stupid or have nothing to say. I knew it’d be good for me and J but avoided making the first move.

But when I started my CBT I made a list of all of my issues and how to solve them.

One of my issues was being too fearful to organise play dates. So I bit the bullet and organised some. Not with people I knew but unknown quantities.

I shit myself after I’d organised them, didn’t sleep well the night before and my heart was pumping out of my chest when I first walked through / opened the door. But I did it. And I’m so glad I did.

J is an only child so only has interaction with kids at playgroup with Grandma on a Monday and 3 days at nursery. But he loves it and he loves his nursery friends. His BFF is called Alfie. They used to have a love / hate relationship but now it’s 95% love and 5% hate when they fall out every now and again.

So after going his birthday party last year I spoke to his mum about a playdate (I say spoke, I messaged her on fb lol). Neither of us had done it before so it was an experience for all concerned. But J had a great time and so did I. It was the first opportunity to really see that other kids are just like J is where behaviour is concerned.

So after that success I took it up a notch and organised a playdate with someone who I’ve been speaking to for ages but never actually met!

The lovely confusing diaries of a puzzled mummy. If you don’t follow her on Facebook then you really really should.

Not only did she bring flowers

She also brought brownies and cornflake cakes!

Kids had a great time and again so did I.

I guess what I’ve realised is that I need the playdates as much as J does.

I’m not sure whether my anxiety will ever be properly in check as I’m still getting some pretty random weirdness but I do know I’m at least on the right track. So I’ll keep pushing past my comfort zone and doing my CBT and see what the future brings I guess?

Where to even begin…

It’s been a long time since I blogged. And not because I’ve done my usual and given up, but because I’ve really struggled to find something positive or interesting to write about. Even now, this post is neither of those things. But I know I’m not alone and I know that people go through the same and I also know that some people don’t get help through fear. So if this helps just one person then I’ll be happy. And if it doesn’t help anyone at least I’ve got it off my chest I guess.

Back to my original question…Where to begin. That’s been the main reason for the blog absence, because I didn’t know where to start. So I’ve decided to just write instead of worrying about the sequence of events, it’s easier.

Buying a house is stressful. We’d been actively looking since May last year, found a house in August, put an offer in, had it accepted, had a few reports done and it needed too much doing to it so as the seller wasn’t willing to negotiate on price we pulled out. We then booked to view a house that neither of us were sure about. 5 months later we moved in! But as anyone who has moved house will tell you, it’s just the most stressful thing EVER! Particularly when you’re buying your first home and haven’t got a bloody clue what you’re doing!

But Mr D got promoted in November which we both saw as a hugely positive thing. The extra money would come in more than handy. We’d be able to get the kitchen re-done and eventually maybe the extension done to really open upstairs up. And he was working his way up the ladder. Great.

Except it wasn’t. He ended up working 11 hour days with no lunch break and getting home just as J was going to bed. He was getting pressure (but no support) from all angles and coming home exhausted. This then meant that stuff at home was falling to me. So on top of working full time, doing all of the drop offs and pick up for J and the usual household stuff I was also doing all of the house buying stuff too. It was exhausting. And we were both tired and both miserable so do what we always do and take it out on each other.

As well as that J’s behaviour was dreadful.

I don’t want you I want daddy

It’s how it started but it just got worse after that. He missed his daddy and his 3 year old brain somehow figured out it was my fault.

But I figured once we’d moved it would all settle down. We just needed to get through the next few weeks and the it would all be fine.

WRONG.

In the end I asked then begged him to quit. I couldn’t deal with the fallout from it anymore on top of everything else. So that’s what he did. The day before we went on our holiday, he handed his notice in and the weight of the world was off our shoulders.

So we went on our holiday. Our big deal holiday. We were celebrating 10 years together and J would be 4 whilst we were away too. But it was also the first time J had been on a airplane. And as any parent can attest to, flights with kids go either one way or another.

On the way out he was fine. Big tired after the early start but he was good as gold on the plane. When we landed in Gran Canaria he even got to look in the cockpit and say hello to the captain. But on the way back…not so much.

He was tired and really unhappy about having to come home.

I don’t want to go home. I want to stay on holiday.

I knew how he felt to be honest. But I didn’t have the mother of all meltdowns 2 hours into a 4.5 hour flight that resulted in the woman in front asking for J to stop kicking her husband’s chair because apparently seeing that we were trying our best to restrain him wasn’t enough, she had to make me feel like a shit parent anyway.

Aside from that I had felt massively under prepared for the holiday. I didn’t start packing until the day before. Threw a load of stuff into my case. Hadn’t read the flight information stuff. His wasn’t me. I was Miss Organised. But not this time. I ended up with one pair of trousers that had a hole in, 2 dresses that didn’t fit and no tops to match my shorts. It didn’t ruin the holiday but I was annoyed with myself.

But we had a good time and things were going to get better from now on, surely?

Nah! Wrong AGAIN!

But before we’d even got on the plane to come home shit hit the fan.

Our flight was getting back to the UK at 6pm so we figured we’d be home by 8pm. I was having a half day holiday the next day, Mr D was going in as normal and J was going to grandma’s.

Except before we’d got on the plane I had an email from grandma saying she needed to see Mr D urgently face to face when we got home and that she couldn’t have J the next day.

Panic then very quickly ensued. Luckily texts don’t cost any more abroad these days than texting at home so I explained the situation to my boss and asked if I could take the whole day off. That bit was easy but then we couldn’t help but want to know what on earth had happened whilst we’d been away. It turned out a lot!

Before we’d gone away Mr D’s 94 year old grandpa was in hospital because he kept falling over. Without going into details, the conversations about “if” have now turned to “when” and the two conditions he does have, have also exacerbated his dementia so it’s a particularly tough time for Grandma and her sister at the moment. But also for Mr D as they’re such a small close knit family.

There’s also health issues with both Mr D’s mum and aunty as well that are pretty big. So at this point we didn’t think it could get any worse.

WRONG AGAIN! We really should have known better at this point!

Mr D had been back at work 2.5 days when he called me to ask him to pick him up as his boss had told him to go home. Long and short of it, he’s now on garden leave for the next 2 weeks and then he’s officially unemployed. But we’ll be OK for 6 months and there’s a plan. I’m not panicking but ask me again in 5 months time and the answer may be different.

And the thing is, this isn’t even the half of.

There’s also been:

1. The fact that Nanny had a pretty serious operation in December and we’ve been missing her like mad. I had no idea how much I relied on her to be at the end of a text until she wasn’t anymore. Things are now looking positive but it’s been a difficult few months without her.
2. I’ve been having my own problems at work which will hopefully now be resolved in the not too distant future.
3. Josh has been displaying ever increasing worrying behaviour which resulted in me crying for an hour with his key worker at nursery and agreeing for the Head of SEN for the area to go and observe him. He’s not what I’d class as someone you’d associate with any additional needs because in some areas he’s phenomenal, like his reading skills, but in others he’s behind. And he struggled in a bigger class but have thrived in a class of 8. When he starts school in September he’ll be one of 30 and I worry for him.
4. We had a nightmare with the landlords. Who started talking about us reducing tree height a week after we’d moved out. It all got sorted in the end but not before I had a massive anxiety attack at work.
5. Me, J and Mr D have just been plagued by illness. Colds, flu, tonsillitus. It’s been relentless.
6. The fact that I’ve had no time to myself. I’m either at work, at home or out with J. It’s just been a bit kverwhelming. I didn’t appreciate how much I needed my “me time”, until again it was taken away.
7. Ever increasing feeling of isolation. I’m not in regular contact with anyone from school. I don’t have a typical best friend, I’ve got my online best buddy who lives at the opposite end of the country. And generally were a bit friendless at the minute. If we could / chose to get married now there would be nobody to invite.
8. I’m not sleeping properly again. So I’m permanently tired. Because I’m permanently tired I haven’t been doing the exercise I promised myself I would do when we moved, despite knowing that a bit of exercise helps me sleep better.
9. And because I’m tired and unhappy I eat. I then get fat which makes me unhappy so I eat because I don’t drink. So I’ve got fatter and more miserable!
10. Because I’m fat, tired, miserable and stressed my skins awful which makes me more miserable so I eat more and the whole thing goes round and round in a miserable circle!

And everything combined has been the perfect recipe for me to break. I’m not sure who it is when I look in the mirror these days but I can tell you I don’t like what I see.

But and it’s a big BUT. There is light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

I recognised that I couldn’t do this anymore so I went to the GP. I cried at her for 15 minutes and she suggested I said referred to the wellbeing service, which I did. I had my assessment meeting last week and only cried a little bit and my weekly meetings for CBT start next week.

Both the doctor and assessor acknowledged that I’ve had an awful lot going on and it’s no surprise I’ve found myself at breaking point. Whilst I didn’t need my feelings to be validated, it was still good to hear.

I should have had CBT years ago. But it was never convenient and I put myself at the bottom of the list saying “this too shall pass”. And it always has but then I’m not equipped to deal with it the next time round. And there’s always a next round. Something else crops up and knocks me off my feet. I pick myself back up (eventually) and everything’s fine again. Until it isn’t.

So this time I’m doing it. It fits in with work and everything else so I’m putting me first.

So instead of spending the time between J going to bed and me going to bed scrolling through Facebook and the Daily Fail, I’ve been reading, learning Spanish and doing a bit of yoga. Me and Mr D have also been watching some old school films on Netflix. We’d both forgotten how nice it was to just sit and snuggle for a few hours.

And it’s been lovely.

And all it took was for me to say “enough is enough I want to be happy” and now I’m doing it.

I don’t for one second think it’ll be easy, but nothing worth having ever is!

So if you’ve managed to get this far then well done! Hopefully you’re not totally depressed because I’m not. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes I just need a reminder that it’s not all bad and that there are ways to help myself.

One big thing for me is about control.

So much of what’s going on over the last few months has been out of my control but then I’ve also not done anything about the things I can control. So I’ve made a list.

It’s a simple list on my phone of the issue, whether I can control it and what the solution is if I can. It’s made such a difference.

I’m a strong person, so everyone says and I just need to remember that sometimes. Now is one of those times because I’ve been through much worse and come out the other side.

So if you feel low, depressed, anxious or just out of sorts then speak up. To friends, to family, to partners, to GP’s or anyone you feel comfortable talking to. And if talking is a problem, write it down.

I can assure you that how you feel isn’t weird or abnormal and the more people speak out about it, the more people will realise it’s ok to not to be ok. But ith some help, support and a bit of determination you can find your happy again.

For now I’m going to my happy place…to bed. Ready for another week of life throwing itself at me and me trying now to drown in it!

Things I learnt in 2017

After 11 years of driving I still panic and can’t drive in the snow.

I’m only one person and I can only do so much.

I’m a better parent and a better partner when I have some time to myself. Since Mr D got promoted I can’t do a class or anything in the week and it’s taking it’s toll.

My mental health is important. When I let it slide, everything goes to shit.

Horrible things happen to the nicest of people and it sucks. We love you Nanny.

Families are complicated and mine is no different. I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents and whilst it should make me sad I’m actually relieved that it doesn’t bother me anymore.

Relationships take work and ours has been tested this year.

Sometimes the best thing to do after an argument is agree to disagree, let it go,  hug it out and move on.

Friendships also take work and maintaining a job, a home, parenting, some sanity and friendships isn’t always possible. Next year I will try harder.

Buying a house is an all consuming stressful ballache.

There is nothing worse than working full time and having a poorly child.

Sleep is for losers. I can’t remember the last time I had a lie in. Maybe October?

If you stay silent, nothing changes. And even if nothing changes you at least feel better that the right people know what your issue is.

I always feel better after a good cry. And I’ve cried ALOT this year.

Money isn’t everything. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really really useful but money doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Trolls are all Billy Big Bollocks online but I can guarantee they wouldn’t say jack shit if the same person was stood in front of them!

I prefer eating to either dieting or exercising. Therefore, I will have to learn to be fat and happy!

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how well you plan things, holidays can be totally and utterly ruined and it’s totally out of your control.

Netflix is amazing and we should have got it sooner.

I need to chill out a bit more in 2018!

Picking a primary school

I’ve been faffing over a primary school for weeks now. The whole thing has stressed me out. I was the same when it came to choosing a nursery except this is so much worse.

With nursery I at least knew that if he didn’t settle, didn’t like it or there were issues we could just move him elsewhere. With primary school it’s not that simple!

As well as having to choose a primary school, we have the added complication of moving house 10 days before the deadline! Luckily we can get a letter from our solicitor (my boss!) to confirm our new postcode but it’s just an added complication really.

Despite that, we have now decided what our 1st, 2nd and 3rd choice schools are. Although if we’d have taken J’s feedback we’d be screwed. When asked what he thought about all 3 schools he had the following to say:

School 1: “it’s good”

School 2: “it’s good”

School 3: “it’s good”

Although school 2 and 3rd choice got points knocked off for making J cry when a girl wouldn’t let him sit and play blocks on the carpet. He was a bit poorly so a bit extra sensitive but still…don’t upset the boy!

We only went to see three schools but we were a bit spoilt for choice so had to narrow it down because there’s over 30 primary schools in a 3 mile radius bizarrely!

We’ve visited 1st and 3rd choice as open mornings and 2nd choice I’ve had a tour with the head teacher on my own and another one today with the deputy head, Mr D and J. It’s the only way that’s worked out for us, and 2nd choice school was more than happy to show us round 1:1. So I guess if you can’t make an open morning, don’t think you can’t visit. Schools should be accomodating.

Why people choose their 1st choice school is different for different people. For us:

• We got a really good feeling about the school, it’s pupils, it’s staff, it’s facilities and some of the quirky things they do that were never available when we were kids.
• Whilst it’s the closest, meaning J can hopefully socialise with his friends outside of school, it’s also the one school that noone has a bad word to say about. It’s had glowing reports from friends, strangers, our house sellers and the nursery manager.
• It has it’s own radio station! It’s run by the kids and they’ve had all.sorts of famous people in over the years.
• It has a strong social media presence. Both the school anf the radio station have their own facebook and Twitter pages which are actively used. It’ll be a great way to know what’s going on at the school as a whole as well as in J’s year.
• The outdoor facilities were fab. They have seperate play areas for different years, their own chickens, a fire pit, a forestry area where they teach kids some camping type basics.
• As well the radio station they have residentials, a teacher swap with a school in africa and the chance to build a vehicle in various years.
• It has that nice combination of being neither too old or too new.
• Has a great before and after school provision.

One thing we haven’t paid a huge amount of attention to is the Ofsted reports for all 3 schools. I have read them, but they’re not the be all and end all if you ask me. 

So today we’ve made our decision and I’ll update the government portal but probably won’t click that all important “submit” button until we’ve exchanged contracts on the house.

The other side to all this is that I’m wondering where on earth my baby went! He’ll be 4 in February and whilst at timea it’s been hell, it’s gone so fast! Even though he’s massive he still seems too small to go to school! He’s so clever and is full of personality but he’s also very sensitive abd I do worry about how he’s going to cope with school. We went to a soft play party for one of his nursery friends at the weekend and I couldn’t help but notice that he’s a bit of an odd one out at times. He’ll happily run around with the group but then they’ll go without him and he’ll just do his own thing. And when he announced he was back, nobody batted an eyelid. But maybe I’m just sensitive because I didn’t have a great time in primary school. Just feel like momma bear is going to come out to play once he gets to school. But I guess we’ll have to wait and see!

So to everyone else going through the same thing, I wish you luck…only 5 months to wait now 😩

It’s ok to not love every minute of parenting

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that every parent at some point has been told to “love every minute” of parenting their kids.

To anyone whose ever said it, it’s bullshit!

Because not every minute, every hour, every day, week or month is lovable.

And that’s ok. No really it is. Admitting that you’re finding it hard and that your kid is being a tiny turd doesn’t make you a bad parent…it makes you an honest one.

I would love to be the Instagram mum baking cakes, making art, having parties, going on a million adventures, dancing around without a care in the world. But honestly I don’t think she exists.

I love my boy to the moon and back but my god sometimes I just want to run away from being a parent and never come back.

We’re having a bit of a tough time at the minute because Mr D got promoted which is great but has resulted in him working longer hours and missing a few bedtimes. J misses him, I get that. I do too. But he’s being an absolute nightmare. He just doesn’t listen…to anything. Then loses his shit when you eventually have to shout at him. Then he makes you feel guilty. It’s a shitty cycle!

What I’d really like to do is go for a spa break. Just me. In a hotel. With endless back massages for just a day. Will it happen? Nah. I’m needed. But it doesn’t make me a bad mum for wanting to escape.

Whilst there is no escaping from your parental duties, that doesn’t mean we have to relish every minute of it either. Being a parent is tough. Whatever your set up, it’s tough. Working, not working, blended family, single family, 1 kids, 2 kids or 10. We’re not superheroes and we can’t be everything to everyone all the time. 

I can happily list the times I haven’t loved every minute and genuinely wondered what the hell I’d done. Had I done something really bad in a past life or something? Was I bad a person? Was a bad mum? Surely not everyone finds it this difficult at times? 

There’s so many things I could list but thought I’d share the relatable ones:

1. Being woken up every 90 minutes when we first came home. Why does nobody warn you about that shit? When people say sleep deprivation I had no idea it would be so brutal!
2. 8 weeks of undiagnosed silent reflux. Hellish! I had no idea what it was I just knew my baby needed to be help upright to sleep.
3. The 4 month sleep regression. Those that have been there just KNOW. Those that haven’t come out of the other side just hang on in there “this too shall pass”. At the time though you really do feel like your life is over.
4. Having to spend up to an hour every night for 12 months rubbing J’s back because it was the only way he would go to sleep. You moved, he woke up. Not just disturbed him but full on tears. It killed my back. Killed daddys back. But needs must and all that!
5. Getting delayed PND after being back at work for 6 months. The mum guilt kicked in big time and I quickly realised I couldn’t do it all…after 6 counselling sessions.
6.  Weaning oh weaning. The most stressful thing in the world because you’re so paranoid about choking and you’re never sure if you’re doing it right or even how to do it in the first place. Not to mention everyone has an opinion about it.
7. All the times I’ve absolutely lost my shit because that boy just doesn’t listen. I hate myself for it afterwards. 
8. Being told that other parents have complained about J’s behaviour towards their kids at nursery. Turned out he was bored. But nothing makes you feel like more of a failure. 
9. Having to physically wrestle J on a car park to stop him running into oncoming traffic because he has no sense of road safety despite us telling him every time we go out. He gets upset. I get upset. We have to hug it out.
10. Being told “no mummy not you, daddy” shouldn’t hurt half as much as it does. It just feels like a massive smack in the face. And I know it isn’t his fault but it still stings.

I could go on…and on. But I won’t because parenting isn’t all bad. I always say it’s equal parts shit and amazing and I stand by that. J is a brilliant reader, has a wicked sense of humour, is a ball of energy and a cheeky chops. When he wants to he can be the best behaved kid in the world. He loves a kiss and a cuddle and has great manners.

I know some will be reading this thinking “but there’s so many people who would kill to be in your position” and I get it, I do. I genuinely can’t imagine wanting kids and not being able to have them. I am grateful that we have J but that doesn’t mean I can’t find it difficult either. I don’t have to relish every moment to be a good mum. Love him unconditionally? Yup! Love every minute? Nope.

I also know that in years to come I’ll miss this. Being asked to kiss it better. Sneaking in before bedtime to cover him up and just to make sure he’s ok before I go to bed. Dressing up as a cat to give out Halloween sweets. I’ll miss it. I know I will. But for now I’ll just muddle through and hope for the best.

But times are definitely changing. There are more and more realistic parents with more and more people are talking about how sometimes being a parent SUCKS. Friends. Family. Bloggers. Celebrities.

It’s also why I write these blogs. If everyone was as honest about parenting then other parents wouldn’t feel like a failure for not living up to societys impossible standards. 

It’s OK to lose your shit because behind closed doors so is everybody else! Don’t believe everything you see on social media and most definitely ignore the perfect parent brigade who most definitely wouldn’t say what they type on the internet to your face.

Just remember

Online estate agents

I thought the whole point of online estate agents was that they were all online? Turns out I was wrong!

I’ve had experiences with two different online only estate agents over the past few weeks and I’ve got to say they’re a NIGHTMARE!

Company number 1 – From a buyer’s perspective

First and foremost there was no app or online log in system. They obviously use one as I got a tonne of auto generated lettera and stuff from them. So to get an update meant I had to contact them. Luckily that communication was by email. 

What I don’t understand is why I was emailing 1 person and getting random calls from random people asking random things. I can’t take calls during the day because, you know, I have a job! So they went unanswered, they left a message and before I’d had chance to call them back they tried to call me again!

It also quickly became apparent that they didn’t really know their arse from their elbow. They were just passes messages between me and the seller. Considering their job title was “sales negotiater” they didn’t actually do any negotiating!

Every time they asked us how things were progressing we gave them an update and tried to get things moving until they came out with “I’d hate for the seller to remarket the property because your mortgage application was slow”. It was like a red rag to a bull and it quickly deteriorated from there. Especially as the electrical report came back and said it needed a full rewire and the seller wasn’t prepared to negotiate on the price. So guess what? We pulled out. 

Absolutely no attempt was made to either convince us to proceed or the seller to drop the price. 

Within 10 minutes it was back up for sale. 10 days later, it’s still up for sale and we’ve bought somewhere else.

I’m also friends with someone who has now sold their property through the same agents and same sales “negotiator” and their experience was no better!

Company number 2 – again from a buyer’s perspective

This one has both an app and a website you can log in to. Which is great because you don’t actually need to talk to anyone to book a viewing, re-arrange a viewing, make an offer, message the seller etc.

Up to the point of the offer being accepted I couldn’t fault their hands off approach.

However…as soon as your offer is accepted they become absolute pests.

Our offer was accepted on a Sunday at 10:30am. Within 10 minutes I had a call (which luckily I missed) to offer me their solicitor services. I also got an email. And a text.

I emailed back to say I worked for a solicitors so we were covered, thanks. 

So within 20 minutes I’d received:

• x1 call
• x1 text
• x1 email

Within 24 hours that increased to:

• x6 calls
• x2 texts
• x8 emails

As well as trying to flog convenyancing services they tried to flog me their legal advice and a surveyor. Before I’d even had chance to respond they’d passed my details to the 3rd party surveyor…who emailed and called me.

Now I’m not an unreasonable person, I get it. They’re just looking to upsell but FFS leave me alone! 

I was polite in all of my correspondence but they wouldn’t take a polite no for an anserr without trying to weedle more information out of me to try and offer a comparative quote. 

So I’m now 36 hours post offer being accepted and I’ve had a gut full of them already. Even my phone offered to block their number as spam! 

Overall opinion

Buying a house is stressful enough without online estate agents constantly trying to flog you shit you’ve told them you don’t need.

I’m a pretty straight forward person and know how to say no to people but there are others who could be easily pressured into parting with money before making an informed decision.

I can see the appeal in online estate agents; they’re cheap. Really cheap. But sadly you do get what you pay for. Buying / selling a house is so bloody expensive so of course people will look to see where they can save money. But I’m not sure the added stress is worth it!

So in short…wish me luck folks!