The saga of my mental health

I really wasn’t sure whether to write this blog or not. I’ve ummed and ahh’d about it for a few days. Most of the people on my private facebook profile know about my struggles with mental health since I became a mum 3 years ago so it won’t be anything new to the people I know but it’s a bit different when it’s open for the whole t’internet to see isn’t it?

But I’ve decided to post about it so here it is!

I’d always wanted to be a mum so when I fell pregnant I was nervous because we hadn’t planned it (happy accident) but still couldn’t wait to be parents. We’d always planned on having kids just not at that precise moment in time! Despite that we were still excited about it all. Just like yoga I planned on glowing because that’s what pregnant people do isn’t it? Wrong! It’s all bloody lies!

I struggled big time. I was signed off work at 28 weeks with sciatica. I spent 14 weeks alone, bored and skint because all I had to keep me occupied was shopping. I thought I’d prepared myself to go overdue. Every week when I did my bump picture I’d say “10-12 weeks to go”. I made allowances to go 2 weeks over. It was fine. Except when it came to it I was far from fine. The day after 40 weeks rolled by I went into a mini depression. I was vile to be around. I was uncomfortable, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit, couldn’t move. But I figured all those problems would bugger off once he was born. Wrong again!

Once he was born I just had a different set of problems. Initially I struggled to adjust to the sleep deprivation. Because lets face it, being awake every 90 minutes overnight is a bastard! Then once that subsided / I got used to it, then I couldn’t get my head around the routine changing every few weeks. I would think I’d cracked it then it would all go to shit again. I felt low, really low. This stuff should come naturally, I thought, and it obviously does to everyone else just not me. But I always put my feelings down to something else. I’m just tired. It’s just teething. It’s just the silent reflux. It’s just. It’s just. But when Master J was 4 months old I went to the doctors after Mr D told me I wasn’t right. So I took antidepressants, was offered counselling but declined it, felt better and came off them despite being told explicitly not to do that. But I knew better obvs! Things ticked along. I went back to work which I was actually looking forward to. There’s only so much cbeebies you can watch! It was sods law that I was just gaining some confidence when I went back to work though. Even now I feel like I wasted my maternity leave. I’d gone to a group when Master J was 6 weeks old but was told by another mum he was far too young for a playgroup and that I should be at home. So that’s what I did!

Fast forward to May 2015 and I had a bit of a breakdown. I couldn’t maintain trying to be an amazing mum and employee at the same time. I felt guilty for putting so much effort in at work to come home shattered. I felt guilty for not wanting to spend more time with Master J. It was a proper case of the mummy guilt and I couldn’t shake it. I had a month off work as I was diagnosed with delayed postnatal depression. I was lucky to receive 6 counselling sessions through a private counsellor funded by work to get myself back on track. I took the antidepressants again but they were interfering with the hormones from the coil I’d had implanted since the first time so again I came off them. I was “fixed”.

However, I wasn’t fixed. Fast forward to now and whilst I’m not depressed I’ve finally realised that it isn’t drugs I need but to get to the root of the problem to finally be “better”. I just have no idea what my version of better is. I do however know that the root of my issues is the fact that I aren’t in control of my emotions. I’ll cry at putting on half a pound at fat club but not when I’ve really upset Mr D by shutting him out.It’s not fair to go into details about the problems this causes with our relationship but just know that it does and it can’t continue.

So this time I’m trying to be proactive and am preparing myself for the harsh reality of counselling. I went to the doctor’s on Tuesday and he agreed that antidepressants weren’t what I needed so he gave me the number for a self referral. I’ve called them and they’re going to call me next week to do a phone assessment. Unfortunately, there’s a 10-12 week wait so there will be quite a bit of time to get my head around things but it’ll be worth as I’ve got to sort myself out. Not just for me but for Mr D and Master J too.

It’s only now that I realise I’ve had a mental health problem for a really long time that’s just been exacerbated by delayed postnatal depression. I’m 30 and it’s time to face my issues head on!

Whilst great strides have been made to make people realise that more people than you think suffer from mental health problems and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we can still do more to make people feel comfortable enough to stand up, say “I’m not OK and that’s OK” and get whatever help they need.

People with mental health problems are often painted as people who can’t get out of bed, can’t function, can’t live their lives. But you can have a problem and live a normal life and be a good parent. I guess my mental health issues look like this

And this

I’d implore everyone to look past pictures and ask someone how they really are and not to be satisified with an “I’m ok” response. Dig deeper. Be there just to listen or just to be there. It’s the one thing I needed growing up and not having it has caused me all my problems now…or at least I think so!

So there you go…blog number 5 done!